From the court appearance where my son had plead not guilty to the charge of manslaughter the next few months passed in a blur, Christmas had never been my favourite time of year but whilst the kids were young it was easy to appear to enjoy for the sake of them. This year was more difficult than ever what shopping I did was mainly online and no matter how hard I tried because i didn’t know what was going to happen to my son
Christmas morning was spent all together my eldest son had recently been sent home from his posting abroad because of stress I think the obvious worries about his brother contributed to his stress but he was also massively worried about me because he knew I wasn’t coping as my days were spent crying and as much as I tried not to cry when he called me I found it impossible to hide my distress. My eldest daughter was also home for Christmas but again I know we were all together but I knew the reason for this so it hung over us like a dark shadow all day
The court had given us an extension to my sons curfew for Christmas day only as we were spending the day with my brother sister in law and their 3 children. My son was allowed only to their address accompanied by us till 10pm so it enabled us to do what we would normally do on Christmas day playing board games with all 7 of the kids even though most of them are now grown up. I was grateful for the opportunity of spending Christmas together but I knew it could be the last one for up to 15years this is something that just persistently went through my head all day making it impossible to relax and enjoy myself 2 years on even sitting here writing this im sobbing.
One day I really hope that the tears and the distress will go and life could continue without waking up thinking about it and going to sleep thinking about it. on that Christmas day the only person that actually enjoyed Chrsitmas was my brothers youngest son who we all ,he knew something was wrong but he didn’t know what so we did all try hard to keep him happy an distracted from the issues we had as an adult I know how hard it was to cope with what was going on I couldn’t imagine a 9yr old boys feelings.
New year again was so different we all spent it together at home but found it difficult to celebrate we knew 2014 hadn’t been a good year but had no idea if 2015 would bring better things. We had some friends round and I made a lovely meal for everyone but no matter how nice the meal we knew the future was going to be tough. January is a very busy month for me workwise and also all the appointments to do with the case it really did pass in a blur.
Once new year passed and the court case approached my panic and anxiety were at an all time high I didn’t sleep much and when I did I was woken by the most terrifying nightmares that I was scared to try and get to sleep, I know my son wasn’t sleeping because I would often go in his room to watch him sleep to find him lying awake too I wished so much I could make things better but I was helpless. My eldest daughters birthday was at the end of February and we got permission to take our son away for 1 night to see her as she was living in Glasgow at this point and we wanted to take our son back to where he was born and visit my husbands family as we didn’t know how long it would be until we got the opportunity again. We drove up on Saturday morning and had to return by 7 pm on the Sunday night we did a lot in that time but really it was spending time with him and our eldest daughter and younger daughter. We tried to enjoy our night away but my head throbbed from the stress and my eyes stung trying not to cry I know it caused my son distress to see me upset but I couldn’t help the emotion I felt.
I used to day dream a lot often for hours at a time during the day when my husband was at work where I would invent in my head that none of this had ever happened and all happy thoughts and then bang I would realise it was just wishful thinking. My husband and I by this point rarely talked about it and he spent more time out of the house than in the house so I could never share my feelings with him. I would go over and over things and if I tried to talk he wasn’t interested and blames me for being negative when I had to think of the good things that could happen at the trial but I had to be realistic and also had to think of the things that could happen as in if he was found guilty! as a mother it was the worst fear imaginable and I really needed to talk about it out loud and know someone would listen and tell me things would be ok but they never did